You’ve got the hard part out of the way – you’ve written a rock-solid online dating profile and chosen some kick ass photos to go with it.
Now you’ve found the perfect girl online and you’re ready to reach out.
Get ready for the really hard part… what’s the best way to start a conversation with her?
She’s attractive, so hundreds of other guys are messaging her too. And you already know the odds of a girl responding to an online message are depressingly low, because you’re batting a solid zero with, “Hey, what’s up?”
You need a stronger opening gambit, but you just don’t know where to start.
But don’t worry. You can create a message that stands out in her crowded inbox and makes her want to respond. You’ll have better results than ever before, which means more dates and the chance to finally meet the girl of your dreams.
A Quick Word About Cut & Paste
At VIDA Select, we are all for cut-and-paste messages. They’ve been proven to work and save you tons of time and effort.
In the time it takes you to write one custom message to a particular hottie, you could send out 20 template messages to 20 different hotties.
And the best part – if you do it right, she won’t even know you cheated. She’ll think you unleashed your inner Nicholas Sparks.
But that's only if you understand that dating sites and dating apps have very different formats and tend to attract a different crowd. That means you should use a different message for Match.com than you would on Tinder.
Here’s how to write the ultimate introductory message for both online dating websites and dating apps.
How To Break The Ice On A Dating Website
Women on dating websites tend to be looking for an actual relationship, rather than a hook up. Especially if they’re paying for a site membership.
Your first message should show her you are willing to take the time to get to know her, and that you’re putting some effort into it.
That’s why sending a message like “Hey” (lazy) or “Want to grab a drink?” (moving too fast) are doomed to fail in most cases.
You also have to catch her attention, engage her curiosity, and make her want to respond. No pressure, right?
When a particular girl catches your eye, look through her profile and see what type of person she is. If you want to spend time going the customized message route, look for clues about her values and passions in her photos and profile text.
Does she have a picture of her climbing Machu Picchu? Then speak to her adventurous side and her love of travel. Does she talk about her career goals in her profile? Then show her you take her seriously and value her drive.
Follow these dos and don’ts to ensure your message will get her attention in all the right ways:
DO:
- Ask her a question (this makes it easy for her to respond).
- Use what you learned from her profile to come up with that question.
- Double check for spelling or grammar errors.
- Show her you are funny, smart, adventurous, or otherwise worth her time.
DON’T:
- Send a simple “Hey” or “Ur hot.” She gets enough of that and isn’t going to respond.
- Compliment her looks. Trust us, she's heard it from everyone.
- Write more than one paragraph. It looks desperate and it's a waste of both your time.
- Ask her out right away. She doesn't know anything about you yet, why would she say yes to a date?
But why reinvent the wheel? When you’ve got a cut and paste message that you know works, why not go that route instead?
This is why keywords and the advanced search function are your new best friends. If she uses the word “travel” in her profile (and seriously, who doesn’t?) send her a message like this:
“You seem to have a sense of adventure, so tell me this: If you won an all-expenses paid trip around the world courtesy of the Travel Channel, where would you go first?”
You’re commenting on an interest of hers, so it looks like you wrote it just for her. Is she into skiing? Send this:
I see we’re both skiers, but tell me this: are you the girl making black diamonds look easy or the one making the bunny hill look hard? No judgment either way 😉
Invest some time in writing messages for different keywords that interest you, like cooking, wine tasting, or surfing. Keep track of which ones get responses and which ones don’t, and pretty soon you’ll have an arsenal of “sure-fire” opening messages.
How To Start A Conversation On A Dating App
In contrast to dating websites, women on dating apps expect you to be on the go and talking to tons of girls at once.
Short messages are the norm and you don’t need to put nearly as much effort into analyzing her profile (especially since it’s probably just her Facebook profile photo and a one-sentence About Me).
Since she’s checking her messages on a phone screen, keep them simple and easy to read. And most importantly – ask a question that’s fun to think about. That not only gives her a reason to respond, it makes it easy.
You want to craft the perfect opening line that can be used over and over again. Hint: “Can I have your number? I lost mine” is not the way to go.
A good opening line for dating apps needs to hook her attention, make her eager to respond, and hopefully make her laugh or smile. Here are some examples of ones that work (followed by ones that don’t):
- Tinder’s saying my lonely days are over once I say hi. “Hi.” Does this mean we’re going steady? 😉
- Imagine a handsome gent offered you an all-inclusive trip to any place in the world, but the catch is, you have to leave tomorrow… Where are you headed?
- You seem kind of quirky, which I appreciate in a woman. Normalcy is overrated. So if I ran into a group of your closest friends on the way to meet you for the first time and asked them what to expect…what would they tell me?
The first message uses humor to show her that messaging with you will be full of playful, flirty banter. It also gives her an easy way to respond by ending with a (albeit sarcastic) question.
The second one focuses less on humor and more on intrigue. Most girls love travel or at least think about travel, so she’ll likely respond just for an excuse to daydream about seeing the world.
As for the last one, it’s a simple way to show her you are really interested in getting to know her. With all the sleazy messages she gets every day, it’s refreshing to hear from a guy who expresses interest in who she actually is, not just what she looks like.
Avoid Cringe-Worthy Pick-Up Lines
- What’s it like being the prettiest girl on Tinder?
- “I know your bio says no hook ups, but how about a one-day waiver?”
- “A-B-C-D-E-F-G-R-U-D-T-F with me?”
Messages like these are a huge turn-off and no real girl is ever going to respond – although you might attract a few spambots or Tinder “pros”.
Cheesy and sleazy pick-up lines do nothing to set you apart from the masses of men she hears from every day, so they are a huge waste of your time. Even if you are looking for a one-night hook-up, this ain’t the way to make it happen.
Reel her in with a clever, thoughtful message. Get to know her a little and let her get to know you so that when you ask for a date she’ll be eagerly typing “yes!” in response.
Know When To Ask Her Out
Whether you’re on a dating site or dating app, you need to keep the message flow going once she’s responded to your icebreaker.
Use this easy formula to keep the conversation progressing toward a date:
- Acknowledge her answer to the question you asked.
- Answer it yourself – she’s curious about you, too.
- Ask her another question.
One of the biggest mistakes guys make once they start talking to a girl online is waiting too long to ask her out.
No matter what site or app you’re on, weeks of back and forth messages aren’t the way to go. She’ll likely lose interest and move on – no one joins OkCupid to find a new pen pal. And many apps put a time limit on the messaging window.
But at the same time, you don’t want to ask her out too soon. You have to spend some time building trust and attraction before she’ll agree to meet you in person.
After analyzing thousands of conversations that led to dates for our clients, our dating experts found the best time to ask a girl out is after she has sent you 2 or 3 messages.
Here is a down and dirty primer on how to ask her out:
- Make a comment about how you’d like to get to know her better by talking in person.
- Avoid the word date, opting instead for less emotionally loaded words like “meet up” or “get together.”
- Finally, make sure you offer her two options, like meeting for coffee or drinks. Giving her a choice increases the odds she’ll yes, but only suggesting drinks will drastically decrease those odds.
Still nervous about asking her out? These tips will help make sure she says “yes!”
The Very Best Way To Start A Conversation With A Girl Online?
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